Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
