I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
