dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
