I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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