Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
