I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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