So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
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