This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
