I heard we made out
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
