Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
