I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
