on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
