I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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