sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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