fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
