I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
