I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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