I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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