I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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