she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
