a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
