i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
