I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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