This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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