Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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