Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dick very happy bro
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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