The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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