the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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