I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
