Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
