I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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