Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
