So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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