Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
