I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
