worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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