Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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