So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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