this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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