If i come over, it means nothing
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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