Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
