So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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