everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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