you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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