If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
