Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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