the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
