I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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