First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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