but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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