i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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